Today somebody that doesn’t know me left a comment on my blog assuming something about me, but is totally false and I quickly deleted it out of sheer disgust.

This of course has soured my day.

Cheers.

Sometimes you have to dig deeper inside yourself, and Marie’s suggestion to “react to them in a more caring way” is key. The way I was able to dig deeper was by reading a book called Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzburg (recommended by a psych professor I had at the time). I got something out of it that helped me deal with some of the regular problem patrons: Try seeing them in a different light – whether it’s thinking of them as someone’s beloved parent, grandparent, friend, pet owner (or whatever works for you), and treating them as such. If that doesn’t work, then try thinking of them as vulnerable (like when they were an infant), or as someone who is ill or in pain, or has suffered a loss. If all else fails, make something up – give them your own back story that helps you be more patient and kind to them even while they are being problematic right in front of your face. I saw a quote on someone’s signature file a few days ago that I think simplifies what I’m trying to say: “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

Our perceptions of what is rude behavior thus changes from moment to moment and our internal state (in your example stressed or serene) colors our interpretation of the behavior of others too.

Point well taken.

Your post got me thinking about an essay I just read in Finding Serenity: Anti-heroes, Lost Shepherds and Space Hookers in Joss Whedon’s Firefly. The essay, “We’re All Just Floating in Space”, by Indiana University philosophy professor Lyle Zynda touches on Sartre’s idea that “existence precedes essence.” WAIT, DON’T TUNE OUT YET!

Sartre suggests that objects (or people or events) are basically neutral. They exist but have no essence. They are not inherently good or bad. Whatever value they have to us is a value conferred by us, upon them.

With that in mind, I’d like to agree that the ‘rude’ patron’s rudeness is not a trait (they’re not the embodiment of rudeness), but I’d like to go one step further and suggest that their rudeness is not their state either. Rather, rudeness is the judgment that we make about them or the “value that we confer” upon them. It’s not only that another person might NOT judge the patron as rude. WE ourselves might not judge that patron as rude under different circumstances. Our judgment of their rudeness is intimately tied up with our own variable needs and expectations in that moment.

Here’s a hypothetical example of how our own needs and emotional state can affect our perception and judgment of another: Let’s say you’re supposed to meet me for lunch. I’m really busy and overworked and stressed out, but I value our friendship so I make a lunch date with you for noon on Friday.

I’m at the restaurant at noon but you’re not. Five minutes go by, then ten, then twenty. I’m sitting there getting angrier and angrier at your rudeness. My inner voice is saying, “Hey, I’ve got work to do. This is wasting my valuable time. Marie is so rude for being late!”

Now let’s look at the same situation, except this time I bring my little book of
Firefly essays with me. I just bought it off of Amazon and I’m dying to read it, but I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance. I get to the restaurant at noon and you’re not there. I crack the book. I’m hooked into the first essay. Five minutes go by. Now I’m starting to relax for the first time in weeks. Ten minutes go by. How nice to have some down time to read! Twenty minutes go my and you finally show up, “Pete, I’m sorry I’m late….” I interrupt, “Marie, no problem I was just enjoying this little book…”

So, in both cases YOUR behavior was exactly the same. Was it rude? When I was stressed and felt my time wasn’t being valued I perceived and judged you as rude. When I enjoyed the downtime to relax and read I didn’t perceive or judge you as rude…

It’s the value that WE confer.

Can you tell I read way too much existentialism in college? As Steve Martin said, “I learned just enough philosophy to screw me up for the rest of my life.”